Re-Introducing a Parenthetically Inclined TooFat

Hello, is there anybody out there? Just smile if you can hear me. Is there anyone at all?

Its been far too long since I have done this. All I can say is this (there is supposed to be a link to Jimmy Swaggart saying “I have sinned against you” here but I cannot find one. While someone has pulled all of that footage off of the internet, they have not pulled the commercials where you can order DVD’s of his musical ministry. I consider myself a “Christian” but shit like that chaps my Jesus lovin’ ass. Thus ends the, hopefully, longest parenthetical reference in my blogging career).

 Also, I really don’t think Jesus takes offense at honest statements like “shit like that chaps my Jesus lovin’ ass.” We, or our fore-parents, (you are welcome Mom) as a society, created the curse words. There is no more evil or sin inherent in the words shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, mother fucker, tits (I miss you George), cock, ass, dick, twat, asshole, cumbubble, and/or Cheney than we subscribe to them. They may be vile, distasteful and full of disrespect (or if used correctly hilarious) but much like Christ they are in and of themselves sinless. It is possible that, had the linguistics broken differently, we would be singing “Amazing Fuck” in church and not allowed to say “Grace” around children. And I know I know words have power, etc. but what I’m saying here is we prescribe that power, not God. It no more “sinful” to say fuck when you are cut off in traffic than to say “oh fiddlesticks”  if your heart feels the same way about the driver.

But I came not to praise curse words but discuss my absence. Obviously I haven’t blogged in a while and that’s because I have been struggling with getting my runs in. It started innocently enough, new found work crept in and kept me from my 9-ish am runs. I live on the face of the sun and it makes it hard (but truthfully not impossible) to run in the afternoon when it is 100 plus degrees (that is Fahrenheit Kim). Next thing I know its been about a week (plus)  since I’ve run.

Its not that all my stories need come from current running adventures. In fact, I still have quite a few good ones from a while back that I am anxious to tell but if I am not running it is hard to put them to paper (or blog in this case). I think of something George Sheehan wrote in his classic “Running and Being” (it is a must read if you even slightly enjoy running or philosophy). He was a daily runner and wrote a column in the magazine Runner’s World back in its infancy. He claimed that without writing he couldn’t run and without running he couldn’t write. I’m not sure about the former but the latter has proven true for me. I cannot organize what I want to say if I have not been on the roads.

The good news is I’ve broken the slump. Last Sunday I went out for what turned out to be 8.27 miles and today I went for an easy four. The gentle jostling of my corpulent man-boobs got my creative juices flowing and so I am glad to say I am back (I hope).

A few (hopefully) entertaining fragments from the last few weeks of running.

-Last I posted I referenced a 12 mile run I’d taken. It was a great run. I had two sets of hills that I handled well to quite well but there was one interesting moment. I was running a 6 mile out and back that actually took me across a major interstate highway. Luckily I picked up my water bottle at about 5 miles, just before I crossed the interstate.

Right after crossing the hi-way I met an aggravated bird. I must have disturbed his/her nest or something because for the next sixty seconds she/he (it works both ways Mom) dove at my head. Fortunately, I was wearing a hat so she/he never made contact with my scalp but he/she tried. I would hear this gentle swoosh and feel a light pull on my hat and discover the bird was attacking from behind just missing me. Luckily I had a water bottle with a nozzle and I was able to hit the bird on the run with a well placed squirt (That is what she said). I was a little disappointed that the bird was not there on my return as I was looking forward to round two.

- A couple of weeks ago the family was visiting the wife’s parents for the weekend. Sunday morning I went for a 5 mile run on a nice trail in this town. I’ve written about the trail before. It runs through the middle of town but is fairly wooded (this will become important soon).

I had gone off to run with out completing my normal morning pre-run ritual. I did stretch, have a glass of water, have a cup of coffee, and thanked my maker but there was one thing I could not make myself (no matter how hard I tried) do. I figured it would be ok and made my way to the trail head.

The first mile was great at easily under 9 minutes but soon after I passed the mile-marker my internal evacuation alarm sounded. I knew there was a restroom on this course but wasn’t sure where. I tired to hold on through the next half mile but it was getting dicey. I started looking for wooded areas but most of the trail at this point backs directly up to people’s back yards.  I figured my expelling anus was the last thing they’d want to see before they went to worship so I held it.

I finally found a wooded area and was able to release the hounds. I know its disgusting but its also natural and ergo beautiful. Dispute that! Anyway I was feeling better but dirtier as I ran on. I found the restroom an eighth of a mile away (but after reviewing its cleanliness was glad I crapped in the trees) and horrifically discovered  my car key missing from my pocket. I will spare you the logistics but suffice to say I knew where they must be and that location happens to border a pile of crap.

I figured the chances of anyone even finding (much less stealing) my key was slim to none. After all, what better mark of ownership than the end result of your digestive process. Sure enough, when I returned I found my key waiting on me on a  pile of clean pine straw.

- A week and a half ago I was going out to run in the afternoon. There was a rare “cool front” so the temperature was only 85 degrees when I went out. I waited on the wife to get home to watch the kid and hit a good 4 miler. It was an otherwise non-descript run. I got home and the wife asked if I wanted to shower. I told her I’d just wait till the morning. She told me, that given my general aroma, that was unacceptable so I hit the showers.

Now  I have a 20 month old daughter. I am not ashamed of the human body and I know that part of being a Dad is explaining the anatomy of the human body. Still I have tried to avoid it because I’m not ready. Well the keed is getting to the point that she can almost open a door.  I was in my bedroom getting ready to put on my clothes, thinking the door is closed. I was wrong. Right as I drop my towel the keed walks in. She looks at me, likely the first time she has seen me naked, points right at my Harry and the Hendersons and begins to laugh hysterically.

As my friend Figwhiskey said when I told him the story, “The amazing thing abouts kids that age is they lack the ability to lie.” He was right and this is now the most public of my humiliations.